If we let ourselves feel more
and more, paradoxically, we get less controlling and less reactive. As long as
we think we shouldn’t feel something, as long as we are afraid of feeling
vulnerable, our defenses will kick in to try to get life under control, to
manipulate ourselves or other people. But instead of either controlling or
sequestering our feelings, we can learn to both contain and feel them fully.
That containment allows us to feel vulnerable or hurt without immediately
erupting into anger; it allows us to feel neediness without clinging to the
other person. We acknowledge our dependency.